of mecca and madinah

I miss the peace and tranquillity you offer
I miss the smiles and joys you give
I miss how carefree life is when I was there
I miss how each and every problem somehow disappeared when I was there
I miss dressing up and looking my best for each prayer time
I miss being nervous as if going on my first date when I’m there
I miss how close i felt to You when I was there
I miss exchanging smiles and conversations with people from all over the world. There was never a sense of awkwardness cos at the bottom of the differences, we’re Muslims. Our hearts beat as one
I miss always being on time for prayers and how prayer times tops everything and anything when I’m there
I miss just sitting and just basking the wonderful atmosphere
I miss how I’m always reminded to always remember You
I miss how each step I take to the mosque is like a step closer to be with You
I miss how my relationships with my love ones got stronger when I was there
I miss how we always keep a lookout on each other
I miss how nothing was in between us seeking attention from You
I miss the hustle and bustle of the life there

I miss.

that last ramadan

3 days of ramadan has already passed. InshaAllah, today will be the 4th day of puasa. Alhamdulillah, I’m granted with good health and strength to fast. I thought I wouldn’t be able to. I guess moment like this is when you realized how important having an intention and sticking to it. It’s all for you, Allah.

The azan for subuh just ended. As I’m sitting here hoping I won’t gag my food out, again, you crossed my mind, Ayah.

This time, last year, all of us were busy arranging and taking shifts to attend to you. I still remember the disapppointed look on your face on the eve of fasting month. You were upset you were still stuck in the hospital and there were no way that the doctors would release you. You were upset with us for not fighting hard enough to get you discharge. You wanted so much to be out to celebrate the arrival of fasting month.

It has always been like that every year. You were busy during the fasting month that we rarely see you for buka. Each night you would come home with packets of food. Or you would come home before buka to deliver the bubur masjid then you would leave again. I used to be disappointed that you were not around during buka cos I really wanted us to break fast as a family. What I didn’t realized was, you were busy out there helping out in the mosque and serving people food. Despite all the work you did, you would still remember to bring food home cos I guess that’s your way of showing us you remembered us amidst all the work you were doing. I was too oblivious to see all that, Ayah. I was too selfish.

If I can turn back the time, I would have spent everyday with you at the hospital. If I knew it was going to be my last ramadan with you, I would be there with you without any complains. I would have cancelled all plans I had just to be with you. I would have accompanied all your nights. I won’t be selfish to kejarkan pahala to terawih when being with you is a pahala itself. You’re my dunia akhirat, Ayah. I would have buy all the good food for us to sneakily eat without the doctor’s consent. I would not have listened so much to the doctor and just gave in to what you wanted to eat. Screw all those unhealthy food talks.

If I knew it was going to be my last ramadan with you, I would have fought hard to get you out so you can try to be at the mosque and be yourself. I would have talk endlessly with you, Ayah. I would have gone to every mosque to get the bubur masjid cos I know how much you loved bubur masjid. It would have been lovely to hear your critics about each mosque’s bubur cos you seemed to taste all and masjid khalid’s still tops the list.

If I knew it was going to my last ramadan with you, I would have taken the effort to be at the mosque where you were at and prayed there. It would have been a proud moment for me to see how my dad was recognised by so many and how he was so busy helping out at the mosque. Ayah, I used to be so embarrassed of you acknowledging and introducing me to strangers cos I felt like you knew too many people. It was overwhelming but looking back now, I should have been proud of you like how you were proud of me.

Ayah, I miss you. I miss your smiles. I miss hearing your stories at the mosque. I miss hearing you whining about how some bubur just wasn’t cooked properly. I miss seeing that serious look on your face when you eat. You took food too seriously and it’s funny. I’m sure the people at mosque still talks about you. I’m sure they’ll miss your presence too especially in ramadan. You were such a joy, Ayah. Always looking on the bright side and never much fret about how life was for you. That’s something I’m trying to be cos I guess you knew, life on dunya is temporary afterall.

Everyday I pray for the best for you. I hope Allah took mercy on you and He placed you amongst the pious. I hope you’re resting well, Ayah. One my goals in life now is to work very hard for the hereafter so we can be reunited again, as a family.

Ever since you left, ramadan has been a month of remembering you. Syawal is never the same without you. There are so many things I would love to share with you right now. There are many things that I would want to do with you. For now, I’ll treasure Mak as much as I can cos I know you would definitely want me to do that. Cos when I see Mak, I see you and all the good times we shared as a family.

Till we meet again, Ayah. Assalamualaikum.
xx

two zero one five

And so I am fifteen days late of wishing anyone (if there’s any..) a happy new year. As usual, a spoilsport I am, never get excited with all these celebrations. Heck, I don’t even get excited with my own birthday! just a change of calendar and reminding oneself that it’s 2015 while preparing to punch the holes of car-park coupons. So far, I’ve wasted only one coupon.

2014 was a year that will forever be etched in my mind. The year I lost the first man I love with all my heart. The year my emotions went all sorts, the year full of bittersweet memories. it has been almost six months and I am still not over it. But then again, who gets over the loss of a love one? I don’t think it’ll ever be possible. Definitely not for me.

Aside from that, F has been great in being there for me although naturally as a man, it’s difficult for them to understand women’s random and abrupt emotional changes.

I am trying to make it a point for me to write an entry everyday for this brain of mind to remain active and to expand the usage of vocabulary and grammar in my life. If I ever need to come up with a resolution for this year, it’ll be more reading and writing. The brain has been on snooze mode in the literacy department for too long. I am even tempted to get some assessment books for me to work on.

I want to pick up a new skill this year. I am thinking of learning Arabic. I’ll update when I start taking the class for it. For now, let’s look for a class for it.

Planning to travel to new places this year. Meet new people and discover new things.

I’m hoping to have better diet too this year. Eat wisely and be healthy.

So to a better, positive and healthy 2015! Turning thirty scares the sh*t of me! Yikes!